Scrawl Me: Inner Turmoil...

Doubts.

We all have them. It's just a fact of life. The higher the level, the stronger that voice becomes. The one that whispers "You're not good enough", "This isn't going anywhere", or my personal favorite: "You're wasting your time… Just stop already..."

As I've mentioned, I struggle through depression daily. Sometimes I'm up and when I'm up, I'M ON… And then there are those other times. The times when I'm down and when this happens, I'M OFF. This is a part of myself that I wish I had more control over, but the powers that be have decided that there needs to be at least one thing I have no say in. Unfortunately, the universe chose that.

*shrugs* Funny how these things work out.

The majority of my emotions (Like a vast majority of artists) are funneled through my art. It allows me to put a voice behind not only my experiences, but my mental health. I used to hide my struggles. I've been through so many things in silence. It took me entirely too long for "Silence is consent" to become a life anthem. Through this, I gave my doubts, my struggles and my depression a voice.

So what's the problem?

You see what I listed first?

DOUBT

When I am triggered into a depressive state, that's the first thing that settles in. I start to tell myself that nothing I'm doing matters because it's not going to go anywhere. That I'm wasting my time. That I, myself, am a waste of time.

I didn't come from a supportive background. I'm one of seven (Technically 8) and with that many children with nouns of their own, it's hard to place emphasis one by one. Now as I've aged, I have experienced different levels of support but over time, it usually fell to me. I celebrate myself, I pat myself on the back and if it's needed, sometimes I wipe my own tears. I have to have me at all times because more times than not, I know it's just me and nobody is coming.

Now, accountability dictates that I admit that a lot of this is because I'm hesitant to talk about my inner turmoil. Wearing the mask of always being fine is what I do best because sometimes it's all I have. The mask, I mean. I can be smiling in your face while I'm drowning on the inside. It's just a skill that I've perfected over time because I told myself nobody cares about my tears. Nobody cares about me and do you know why? Because when I'm triggered, everything I know to be good about me in this world are the first things to be stripped away.

I tell myself there's no one, it's just me. Worst of all, I tell myself I deserve to struggle through it alone…

So I do.

The problem is, as I've grown older, as with any mask, it tends to slip.

How do I combat these thoughts/doubts?

1. Use it: As I mentioned when I first started this "Scrawl Me" series, I'm forever inserting experiences into things. Truth is, sometimes therapy needs to be processed away from therapy. There's a place for that. Especially within AOC. I deal with many themes and situations that haven't been thoroughly unpacked before

2. Screenshots: I have a positive vibes screenshot catalog. These are things that either I have said to others or have been said to me that are positive and uplifting. When things are at their worst, I run to the catalog because as I said, when I'M OFF, everything I know to be true about myself evaporates within a blink of an eye. Sometimes I need a reminder

3. PUSH: If I can't do anything else, I separate myself from the situation (How does one separate one's self from their own inner turmoil? For me, it's music and it probably always will be. My MP3 player knows how to warm my soul even when I don't) then I pick myself up, dust myself off and I push. I've been in full blown ugly cry mode and pushed myself to move forward. Is it easy? I try not to curse on this blog but I need to be real right now: FUCK NO. It is not easy to keep going when you're standing in your own way. Zarathrustra Ink is seven for a reason. We push each other to succeed and sometimes pushing means pushing past inner turmoil

4. Reach out: This one is so important. Why? Because when I'm telling myself I'm going to fail, I'm wasting my time and this is all gonna go up in flames and the only achievement I'll ever know is drowning in the ashes, deep down I know I'm telling myself that and it's time to get some sense knocked into me. Does this always work? No. That's why I don't use this option often. When I reach out, just know it's BAD. I'm talking going down in a fiery blaze of glory, bad. Truth is, we all need to know there's a pick me up at the end of the SOS

Okay, so that's this week's "Scrawl Me". I would like to turn this into a weekly thing. Don't quote me on that though because I'm always doing something. As I was typing this I had AOC in the back of my brain practically shouting: "Don't forget about me!"

*sighs* My work is never done