Before you ask, the answer is no. Despite the title, my therapist didn't string together the idea of Luminous, but therapy is where the concept was born. As mentioned in my first entry, two things I was dealing with is what birthed Agents Of Chaos into the world.
01/25/2011
One of my friends passed away and I took it badly. For several years, I didn't know which end was up. It was as if I was frozen in time. I was operating on instinct. I wasn't living. I was barely existing. In 2018, I started my journey through mental health. I'm manic depressive and it had gone unchecked for YEARS. 2018 was the year I decided to fight back. At first, I refused medication but due to several circumstances, after a while, that was no longer an option so I filled the script. At first, I was fine but as time crawled on, my personality began to fade. It was hard on me. It literally felt like I was trapped in the back of my mind in a crate. I knew I was in there but I needed a crowbar to get to myself. One day, nestled on my therapist's unnecessarily uncomfortable couch cushions, I had the revelation that if my friend were to somehow regain custody of the air in her lungs, she wouldn't know me anymore. She would know my face but the me she knew was long gone. I decided to put that feeling in. The feeling of looking someone in the face and have them not know you. How the love you felt for them wasn't enough for them to recognize you.
I wanted to put into words how it felt for me to know that were she alive today, she wouldn't know me. The pain I felt when the realization washed over me, I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to be allowed to feel that.
In that, I decided that when Luminous or Noir (More on them later) brought people back from the dead, they would have no memory of their former lives. No matter what you knew about them, how much you begged or how long you pleaded, none of it would matter.
And it would hurt. I made sure it was designed to leave mental scars because sitting on that couch with those words swirling through my thoughts hurt in ways that I couldn't express in front of her but through Luminous, I was able to draw from those emotions and create Brie.
06/08/2018
Yet another date that means something to me. That's the date of the fallout I had with one of my closest friends. It wasn't really his fault. It wasn't really my fault. Over time, it became less about "fault" and more about how much the situation caused me pain. Because of this, I texted less. I replied less. Days became months and yet, less and less until the day it became not at all.
We didn't speak again until recently and it has been arduous. I haven't spoken to him about how much it weighs on me to be friends after what happened. Honestly, I knew that this was my journey through forgiveness. He'd already apologized. (ALOT) Anything after that was on me. Not him.
So yet again, I found myself sitting on my therapist's chunky, lumpy (She really, REALLY needed some new cushions so bad) couch cushions, and again, I had a revelation that I was still dealing with the fallout. How?
*** I never use his real name. NEVER
*** In therapy, still, no real name
*** I never ask him about his personal life
*** I barely acknowledge him as an actual person
Over time, because of this system, we were able to flourish in other areas of our friendship. I'm apprehensive about the entire ordeal and again, I couldn't find the words to express these emotions to my therapist. I knew a conversation needed to be had though and through this honesty with myself, I sat down and created Jan.
That's the run of it. That's how my therapist created Luminous. Her forcing me to question not only myself, but the world around me made me want a place for the kind of emotions that sometimes I find complicated to string together properly when I'm curled up on her couch.
In hindsight, upon pealing the layers of my life onion, I've come to realize that in AOC, Luminous represents what therapy is for me in my present timeline: I don't always like the rules. Sometimes I want to quit because honestly, I'm not always appreciative when it comes to the process. My mantra is basically "I hate therapy but I do the steps." (To which my therapist visibly flinches every time I mention it, but I need her to know, you see?) Even with these reservations, I still participate. I still listen. I still grow.
Because of this, Luminous' very design is to be the light at the end of the tunnel.
It's hope.
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