How A Much Needed Conversation Created Noir...

Disclaimer: As previously mentioned, Noir is dedicated to one of my closest friends. He is in no way a bad person. To his credit, he has been a huge part of my support system since this project began. I named Noir after him because it's his online handle and it became a twist of fate because Luminous means "light" and Noir means "dark" 🖤🖤🖤

And now… The entry...

Noir is the yang to Luminous' yin. At a glance, it appears as if both organizations do the same thing. Unfortunately, they don't. They never did.

Tilted at a different angle, I wanted them to make sense. I wanted the choice to defect to make sense.

Whereas Luminous was born from a place of love and curiosity, Noir was born from a place of anger and hate. That fact alone is what sets the two apart.

05/04/2014

Write this date down. It's important. This was the day that I decided I could be better than anything that I've ever done or anything that has ever happened to me. I could be better than all of it... All I had to do was stand up.

At the center of this was once again, a conversation that was needed. In this, Dax emerged. He symbolises yet another struggle I was dealing with whilst in therapy. People either didn't accept my growth, ignored it or abandoned me altogether because of it. It was hard on me. I didn't allow this to detour my life journey but it caused me a lot of pain.

I created Dax because before I stepped foot in therapy, one of the people I loved the most was the one who treated me the worst through all of it and I wanted to talk about it. I wanted to talk about what it's like to change because of life's many circumstances and have someone continuously approach you as if they have the right to strip you of your growth, as if you never changed… As if you were the exact same… Not because it was true, but because they decided it was.

Dax doesn't get a lot of airtime, but Noir is filled to the brim with agents with the same narrow minded arrogance that he chooses to cloak himself in.

I needed a place to talk about the growth a person goes through when they evolve, be it in a good way, a bad way, or that shade of grey we all forget exists.

I created Dax because the conversation was in me. It sat nestled in the back of my mind every last single day, gnawing at my senses, begging to be heard and yet, I couldn't express myself correctly on my therapist's couch. In her eyes, my changes were fine, meds and all. This was despite my being reduced to having the emotional range of a teaspoon. (I discussed a little of what my meds stripped from me in a separate post) Every time I sat on her couch, every difference I voiced, every emotion I lost… It was all reduced to "fine."... Is what I told myself. Over time I came to realize this wasn't true but for a while, I wasn't exactly a good patient. I had to grow into it.

Assuaging my mind enough to manifest Dax allowed me to put into words how it felt to have to constantly defend my personal growth. It also caused me to realize I didn't have to. I was choosing to. I didn't owe anyone that. I owed it to myself.

Truth is, if you have to constantly defend where you are in life, maybe your changes aren't meant for them. Maybe they're meant for someone who deserves where/who you are right now, today.